xo oh love I never knew you

My life needs to be a damn TV show. I need to start blogging more and fill you guys in on all the happenings lately. Lol shit be cray. Haha.

So I was a little dramatic in my last post…I’m feeling a lot more positive today.

How bout no guy touches me ever again? I’m real sick of every mother fucker trying to fuck me or something. Like god damn, I’m not even that attractive and y’all make me feel like shit cause for some reason you think you can get it! Being nice or friendly obviously means she wants the d these days, like damn! Just back the fuck up. I’m done. I’m going back to being a shy hermit. I won’t socialize at all. Shit.

It’s all in my mind…probably.

until my period starts i’m gonna keep being a fucking psycho. according to my app i’m like a couple days late but i think it’ll start like tomorrow or something. i’m not too worried but then again either pms, stress or pregnancy are making me fucking emotionally eat/crave. i really doubt it’s pregnancy though. let’s hope it’s not. like i really want to believe that i didn’t fuck up that bad. i just keep trying to remember every detail to make sure there was no chance of sperm meeting egg. i just…ugh. dammit man. i want to believe that it’s not possible at all. AT ALL. 

but side note: i’ve been gassy as fuck today and nauseous. like so many smells were bothering me at work. so i might be sick.

or pregnant.

but hopefully just sick. ha is that horrible to say? but i’m just such a mess as it is. i can’t be in charge of caring for a another person. 

okay this is me rambling about something that’s probably not even an issue. i’m done.

So my car hydroplaned yesterday on my way home from work. Scariest thing that’s ever happened to me. I ended up stuck in a ditch. I thought my car was about to flip. I’m so glad to not be hurt. The only damage to my car was a couple dents from hitting a tree and a flat tire.

I lost myself.

Hi, hello. I’m Amber and that’s about all I know about myself these days. I’ve been through a lot in the last 7-8 months and it seems like everyday I gain a new issue. Life doesn’t stop; it just keeps throwing things at you before you can duck out of the way. I don’t want to talk about what all’s happened. I don’t even want to rant or complain about it. I just want to say that I’ve learned from it. For awhile, I let myself be consumed in other people. Always wanting to make someone else happy or feeling that I needed another person to make me happy. I really lost my own identity. I went from being extremely independent and content with myself to literally wanting to die because I was so unhappy - I didn’t know who I was anymore at that point. I felt stuck and trapped so I broke free. But I wasn’t really free. I still had a void left over and I tried to fill it with someone new…but another person was never the issue. The issue was me. Another person can’t make me happy until I’m happy with myself. You hear it over and over but you hear it because it’s true. You can’t love another person unless you love yourself first. You can’t stay in a situation that makes you miserable to keep another person satisfied. They have to deal with their own issues too. They shouldn’t need you to make themselves happy when they don’t make you happy. It should be a mutual happiness and if it’s not then it’s never gonna work out. I had to learn that the hard way and I’m still working out my own issues. It’s a step by step, daily process. I’m realizing though that no other person is just gonna magically make me happy, I need to be happy on my own to fully enjoy the happiness that someone else can provide me. I think I’m getting there. I’m a little happier each day. I’m learning. I’m growing. I struggle but who doesn’t? I don’t plan to ever give up though. I never ever want those thoughts to cross my mind again and if they do I hope I remember to shut them out.

so i made my work life complicated…

i fucked a coworker…

and i might actually have feelings for him, wut.

and idk something makes me think he like likes me too but we’re both just being weird and not dating and idk.

he’s also younger than me.

gawdddd idk what to do with myself these days.

also, bitches be all up on my non-existent d lately. since when do people find me attractive? I’m confused. Lol. 

i also find one of my other coworkers attractive. i sorta have a crush on her but i don’t know if she’s into girls and i’ve already got myself in this situation as it is with him…ha…

a year ago my life was boring as hell, now look at it. wtf?

i’m gonna start staying home on tumblr more, fuck socializing. i just don’t know how to make decisions ok. 

blah.

I did some stupid shit the other night. I shouldn’t be allowed to drink. My God. I feel so…ugh. I’m disgusting. I’ve been kinda hating myself ever since. The shame. Shit.

You guys never talk to me at all anymore…why do you hate me?! Lol seriously though leave me a message or something… (: